Grief

Like so many others, I am no stranger to death, it is one of my very first memories…

My Opa pale, still, and stuck in a stuffy suite… I remember being so upset he wouldn’t get up, I remember not understanding what was happening, why everyone was so sad… why Nan was so sad.

There was no conversations about death, only fanatical ramblings about where he went.

Heaven.

He’d gone somewhere better, somewhere happier, that’s the way they’d made heaven sound.

In my child brain, a choice was made to leave us behind.

Nan followed a few years later after a long struggle with cancer.

I was angry.

I was sad.

I was… really scared.

But I couldn’t make the tears come. I wasn’t allowed to cry and now I was expected to… but they wouldn’t come. It made me feel like a freak, here are all these people who have no idea how special Nan was and they were crying.

At 10 I hoped Nan had found Opa and reunited in peace.

But I missed her so much.

When spring flowers bloomed and I’d make fairy rings until my dad would yell it’s the devils craft…

In the fall we’d pull out her vintage halloween decor and id pretend she was watching us celebrate from heaven…

Slumber parties were filled with talks about ghosts and making potions in the tea sets she’d left me…

Christmas never felt the same, my mother struggled really hard, and my dad was… well a tyrant with no one to hold him accoutable.

My belief in magic made him lose his absolute shit.

So did my strong will.

And my quick tongue.

And my inability to be told who I would be.

I’d started to stare into mirrors for long periods hoping she’d be there and questioning what I was, and why I was stuck here.

just

one

time…

I’d wanted her to appear and tell me I’d be okay and safe one day.

But she never came.

I’d like to believe both are here anyways, and I know logically that’s not possible, but it makes me feel better, sometimes that’s just enough to get through a rough day.

So, I still look for a little longer then I should in the backgrounds of mirrors, I’m still hoping to see them.

Im trying to be the best version of myself, learn the most I can about healing and craft, I’ve spent so much time unraveling a mess I did not ask for. I know she never wanted this for us, they did their best to the very last minutes to protect us and love us… and for that i have the deepest gratitude.

But I still look for Signs, anything to let me know that I’m on the right path or making the best decisions I can for my not-so-little, littles. Because i feel absolutely lost in the dark, I feel like I’m going the wrong way and I’m getting further from where I’m supposed to be.

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Grief just never stops being there, you may learn to live around it, but it doesnt stop. And death doesnt wait for when you’re ready to say good bye or to have learned the right lessons.