Grown

I’ve laughed at many things other people fear.

I’ve faced my abusers, yet still battle irrational the demons left behind.

But I’ve seen the monsters in my closet for the feeble minded manipulators they are.

I’ve lost faith, and worked to find out what waited at MY core.

I’ve been proven wrong, many times, and had to find comfort in eating my pride, my words, my indecision.

I’ve failed at things that I thought defined my person, to find they were never what I wanted… no, they were not what I needed.

I’ve lost an incredible amount of people, each one left me recognizing facets of myself, good and bad.

I’ve tried to be as honest with myself as one can be, because I got nowhere denying my nature.

Which is sometimes not easy to find because it hides in patterns and symbols… But it pushes you to face your life and learn.
Yes…
It can mute the memories for a time but eventually they come back and not always when we feel ready in our present mind.

We can try to dance around it with avoidence, minimizing, and denial… but you can’t do that forever.

And when you get tired, and are trying to rest from all that dancing and juggling of masks, the truth of your life will pounce on you.

Until you are forced to face it but oh it hurts so much that sometimes you will forget to breath.

But breath you will.

One breath at a time.

In.

Out.

A day.

In.

Out.

A month.

In.

Out.

A year.

Until it doesn’t hurt as much to be here.

Until your death rattles subside and the air flows through you, each exhalation a peice of peace.

Each message you decode or anger you root out, you’re going to get stronger and wiser, find that hidden ‘shadow’ inside is just a child waiting to be hugged, loved… healed.

While the storyline will never change, I can make peace with myself being a part of it… the world may never become sparkly and wonderous again.
But in honest I don’t think it ever was, I think it was part of the illusion to help me get to now.

I survived.

I survived things ment to break me, meant to kill off what was wild and expressive.

I came out of it tapped into that divine wild witchy women…