Hit

I dont talk about this often.

And sure there’s a difference between slapping a hand and what a lot of us went through as kids.

I remember not understanding why my sister wouldn’t spank my nephew is was… 11 when he was born, I really thought that’s how your parented a child, with violence and anger.

I was a power keg of repressed anger, distrust in authority figures, skewed perspectives of affectionate behavior and boundaries, and maladaptive people pleasing.

Until, I was about 14 and the very tight laces of my understanding of what was happening were ripped open.

I was extremely not okay and yet wearing a mask so no one knew.

When things adults had done were somehow now unacceptable if others did them.

I’m not broken because I was born inept, or with some predilection to “mental illness”.

I have a trauma disorder.

I was raised to be somebodies victim and I said “fuck that” but that was a lot of push back when I did.

But I am a much stronger person then I have ever been credited with.

If you don’t understand if something is abusive, all you have to do is ask yourself:

1) Am I breaking the law?

2) If someone else were doing this would I be okay with it?

That second one, is what made me realise the bad people in my life were well aware that what they were doing was wrong.

That, broke me up inside for a long long time.

Was i not loveable enough to keep safe?

To protect?

What about me was so bad that noone walked into my life without leaving bruises?

After a decade of no answer I took it into my own hands, finally saying the words that plagued my nightmares?

Why am I bad?

I’VE repaired me,

not you,

not your Shit skewed woman hating God,

not your “thots and prey”

I.

Me.

And a hell of a lot of work went into it.

No thanks to you…