“Things can’t always be shiney and happy”
“you do not always have to like someone, to love them”
“it’s okay to cling to *that* one thing with someone as you are evolving”
Right?
Sometimes healing means taking a hard look at where you are and realizing, it brings out your worst qualities or continues to push buttons that need to be laid to rest.
And that’s a hard place to be…
Indicision.
Is it temporary?
If I hold on just a little longer, heal this next wound, maybe things will get easier.
Maybe this empty feeling will dissapear?
Maybe I’m just tired?
Maybe I want too many things?
Maybe this constant achy longing will subside?
If I just wait a little longer!
And sometimes it does…
Right?
Sometimes it’s “just me going numb”
Sometimes it’s “just me being too much again”
Sometimes it’s “just my brain making enemies that arent there”
Right.
And sometimes when I’m paying attention, I see the shadows in your words twisted to make me doubt myself…
And sometimes a thing is so broken you cant ever go back… or at least you shouldn’t.
Right?
Or maybe I’m supposed to “try harder”
Or stay to save little hearts.
Or hope there’s another change that fixes… you.
I try so hard to keep my eyes up and open for signs of life that I fool myself into seeing them.
Am I crazy?
Or am I magic?
You’ve convinced me I’m crazy so long that I dont know if I could answer that.
Am I just at one of those stages where I’m not sure where I am going, because I can’t look at where I’ve been…
Is this another breakdown?
Do I have things I need to put down?
Do I have habits to change?
Or people to let go of?
It’s all very hazy and I’m tired.
Maybe if I:
spoke softer
Chose better word
Had smaller thoughts
…Only existed as a parlor trick you could pull out and show off then shove back into a closet when my mouth, dared, open.
I have to keep busy because if I sit down to think about it maybe I’ll make a decision but maybe it would be the wrong one…
Maybe this is all just my brain being broken.
I just keep floating along, feeling off balance, exhausted, dissapointed, rejected, and cling to the hope that something leads the way, because that’s what us “crazy people” do.
